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07/24/06--18:01: Tuesday, July 25, 2006 (chan 2281276)

im kind of lost

i dont know where i stand in all this mess

and i feel like ive lost all my friends

people keep telling me to 'take it easy, get your rest, take your vitamins... you need to learn to care about more than just yourself now...'

but when i wake up at 6am everyday to take my boyfriend to work and want to come home and go back to bed for a while i get critisized and told im lazy.

'what do you do all day long, erin?... sleep, sit on your ass, and eat?' 

is it wrong for me to sometimes be upset at this baby for making me feel like its draining all the life out of me?  if the baby weighs somewhere around 5 pounds inside me and my uterus is 15x its normal size and can weight up to 15 pounds now... that'd be about a 20 pound weight gain total for just the baby... ive only gained approximately 23 pounds since november... if you think about it, im not gaining weight, im losing weight... a.k.a. my baby is eating me.... yeah... maybe thats why im lazy and always tired.

plus, i got some bacteria... camplobactor 2 weeks ago and was in the hospital for 5 hours getting fluids injected... lost something like 6 pounds in 3-4 days from dehydration... all because my immune system is working on over-drive to protect the baby... yeah, apparently... and flippin kill me in the process. awesome.

whatever... i guess i dont have room to bitch... my problems arent as bad as yours.  doesn't matter what problems i have, someone elses are always worse. 

'oh, you get up every night 4 or 5 times just to pee and can't ever fall back to sleep right away?  well the past two night i feel like i hardly got any sleep at all... its just terrible...'  blah blah blah whine whine whine

'oh, you're 8 months pregnant and i just found out im pregnant... i fit into maternity clothes already and everything... you can't find anything to wear?  weird.  too bad.  my feet are killng me and i can't stand this hot weather cuz im pregnant.  even though im only 3 months pregnant and you can only start to feel the baby move around 4-5 months normally, im pretty sure i can feel mine move all the time.... i think the baby's right on my bladder'

forgive me if i dont point out to every stranger on the street that im pregnant, excuse me if my belly looks like i only "might" be pregnant but in reality im going to give birth in a month and the baby is taking up all the space in my rib cage area. 

whatever... now im just bitching and complaining and im making myself sick listening to me whine in my head. 

fuck it. its not that bad...

enjoy your drugs and your alcohol and your freedom to be out all night long and do whatever you want.  not that im jealous or envious... just don't wonder why it seems like ive disappeared... cuz think about it... would i really even fit in anymore at the places you go and the things you do?




08/08/06--10:17: Life is a rollercoaster... (chan 2281276)

this morning at 6:20am i said good bye to my dog, Puddles... she was 15 years old.

i can still remember picking her out as the one i wanted when she was only a few days old and her fitting in just one hand.  yep... she was my dog... Mud Puddles...

she'd gone deaf recently and i think she was starting to go blind too because her eyes were starting to sort of cloud over... but just in the past 4 days or so she'd stopped being able to ambulate herself... so she'd lay outside and bark wanting someone to come and help her get up... she's a good dog... wasn't easy saying goodbye to someone you've known for 15 years... R.I.P. Puddles. <3<3<3

so my day started off like that... thennnn

i went to my 37th week doctor appt and Ms. Koons did my internal exam and i'm already 2 centimeters dialated... which is really good...  i really can't say i've had any contractions that i can remember so far... Addison might be here anytime now i guess... i just hope things continue to go this smoothly.




08/24/06--14:11: Everytime the wind blows... someone changes... (chan 2281276)

No baby as of yet.

I'm technically due this coming Monday... yes, my friends, that's in 4 days.

right now, while im writing this... baby is moving outta control... being pregnant and feeling the movements the baby does inside you has to be, by far, the weirdest feeling in the world.  won't be long though till i don't feel it anymore... which is also weird.

im scared of breastfeeding... like... more than anything, it's what im dreding... but i know it's a good thing... i just... dont... know.

<3




08/30/06--07:39: Wednesday, August 30, 2006 (chan 2281276)

I'd really like to have an August baby... not a September baby.  no offense to anyone born in September... i'm just really sick of waiting at this point lol

so... yeah... still no baby.  either she's stubborn or she's shy... or probably both... cuz both her parents are those two things too. 

i'm definitely waddleing now when i walk more than i ever have.  i've been hearing 'you finally look pregnant now!' alot... yeah... finally... now that i'm overdue lol... sweet... not.

she's definitely not staying in my belly as long as i stayed in my moms... i was 25 days late... noooo thank you.  this little poo-head is coming out next tuesday at the latest.

today i have an ultrasound scheduled at 5pm to see if all is well inside the womb

then on friday i have a non-stress test scheduled at 9am to see if baby reeeeally might want to come out on her own

then if all that checks out, baby has an appointment to enter the world sometime tuesday.  (I'll be being induced at 7am at the GSH)

so if you don't hear any 'me being in labor/ baby born' news from now until tuesday, i'll definitely be making some phone calls to some people sometime tuesday.

that's all for now i guess. 

<3




09/06/06--19:15: Addison Michelle Seyfert (Maldonado) <3 (chan 2281276)

as i stated before, i wanted an August baby... well, i guess i wanted it bad enough because at 12:34pm on August 31st Addison Michelle was born.

Weighing in at 8 pounds 6 ounces, she was beyond beautiful from the moment i saw her. 

I was induced around 5am on the 31st because the ultrasound i had the day before wasn't able to be read clearly... it couldn't be read clearly because ultrasounds rely on fluid to have the sound waves bounce off of creating the picture that you see... well... Addison's fluid inside her sac wasn't very abundant because the picture it was creating looked very cloudy... and cloudy images can only mean one of two things, either the fluid to baby ratio isn't good OR the baby could be passing stools in the fluid already... both of which aren't good at all.  So i was told to go immediately to Labor and Delivery at the GSH and have a non-stress-test done on me and Addison.  I ended up having to stay overnight and Mikey stayed with me the whole time (he really is wonderful).  At about 11pm on the 30th the delivery doctor there came in to talk to me about the options we had... She did an internal on me and said my cervix was dilated to just under 3cm and Addison's head was in the zero position (meaning her head was in the position most baby's only get into right before you start to push... thus why i had been waddling when i walked so much lately).  So the doctor said she'd like to monitor my braxton-hicks contractions thru the night and probably start the induction around 4 or 5 in the morning. 

So around 5am the nurse came in to start my IV and by 6:30am i was starting to feel real contractions in my lower back, directly above my butt.  I remember telling Mike that i didn't feel good anymore and i was real uncomfortable and he was sleeping in the chair (that turns into a bed) next to my bed, and he said 'just try to go back to sleep... you need your rest'.  So i tried to roll over onto my left side and as i did my water broke. The nurse came in and said that im progressing well and just to wait for my contractions to get stronger.  So i called my mom and she said she'd be right in... and she told my dad and she called my sister and Lindsay.  So everybody came in by around 8ish.  My contractions started to get really strong by 8:30-9am and i asked for some sort of shot they have now that the nurse told me about that sort of 'eases' the pain of the contractions.  the shot started to work in about 10 minutes and after that things started to get a little blurry cuz the shot made me real loopy.  I started telling everyone i loved them and i was glad they were all there to support me... and after my contractions got to the point where they were 1-2 minutes apart and i was screaming when they started and having to breathe special, i was actually passing out between them and muttering things that i was dreaming. Around 10:30am i couldn't take the pain of the contractions anymore and they had been 1-2 minutes apart for over an hour, so i asked for an epidural.  The nurse went to tell the doctor that i was ready for one and he didn't come in to check my progress because he was doing a c-section, so he just approved the nurse to call for it.  Unfortunately i had to endur about an hour more of severe contractions before the anesthesiologist got there to administer the epidural.  It was about 11:30am when it kicked in and i was feeling good.  i layed down and got comfortable finally after 3 hours of screaming every other minute for 30 seconds.  The doctor finally came in to do an internal to see my progress and he found that i was dilated to 9cm.

At 12pm i started feeling lots of pressure in my lower back again and had to use my breathing techniques to get through the pain.  it took me until about 12:12pm til i decided this was what it feel like when you need to push.  I told the nurse 'i need to start pushing... i need to start!' and she said 'okay lets get in position' and my mom took my left leg and the nurse took my right and i grabbed under my thighs and waited for the next contraction and i started to push.  i got two good pushes out of that contraction and the nurse told me to stop becuase she needed to get Dr. Clark right away.  I remember my mom saying 'I can see her head and her hair!'  and as soon as Dr. Clark walked in the room he must have seen it too cuz he started rushing around the room and getting everything ready really fast and i started to push again.  I think it only took 2 more contractions, totaling 3 pushes lasting 10 seconds each and BAM there was a screaming baby in the room.  She came out bloody and blue and the Doctor said her cord was wrapped around her neck once and her cord also had a natural knot in it aaaand her cord was 15 inches longer than normal cords. 

She was absolutely beautiful from the first second i saw her and seeing her made all the pain of the day that i endured disappear.  I honestly have to say, once i saw her, i forgot the pain... and i still pretty much forget it becuase im still so happy with her.  She's amazing.

So that was Addison's journey into the world.  She's so much more than i could have ever imagined her to be... i really couldn't love her more.  Having a baby wasn't ever anything i thought that i would do... i never expected to be a mom... but now that i have her, im pretty sure i couldn't live without her.




10/07/06--11:36: Saturday, October 07, 2006 (chan 2281276)

im getting lost in these cycles.

 




10/11/06--18:18: Thursday, October 12, 2006 (chan 2281276)

aren't  babies supposed to stop crying every once in a while?

i think my baby is broken.  her grumpy button that makes her cry all day is stuck in the 'on' position.... and i can't find the darn button to even try to fix it.... and, it's pretty upsetting at times.... for both of us apparently.

 

so... i need to get back to working cuz this house is trying to kill me i think.

it's probably not a good thing when you start considering a quick trip to wal-mart for baby wipes a getaway.




11/03/06--04:51: doing better... (chan 2281276)

i think i found the off button for Addie's screaming... she's been a lot happier the past few weeks (and so have i)

her 2 month check-up was yesterday... she's 12 lbs 8 oz and she's 23 1/2 inches.  she's getting huge... she's into a lot of her 3 to 6 month clothes.  se also got her shots and it was awful... but were both doing a little better today lol

still breastfeeding (and still pretty much hate it)

ooooh... she was a little lady bug for halloween and she looked flippin' adorable.  me and mike split up her candy between us lol.... we saved her very first candy for her though... it was a banana flavored dumdum... ill put some pictures of her costume on myspace soon...

ummm... thats it i guess...

<3




03/29/07--08:04: oh baby... yeah, but what about me... (chan 2281276)

she's fine... infact she's better than fine, she's wonderful...

everything takes a back seat when a child comes into the picture... not that she doesn't deserve all the attention she gets, nor does she know any better than to expect it (it's all shes ever known) but i don't think i was emotionally ready to be a mom yet... scratch that, i KNOW i wasn't.

i want to be able to want things without thinking of the consequences... i want to be friveless and selfish agian...  and i want to not feel bad about still wanting those things even though i know i can't and never will be that way again.

it's overwhelming at times... like now... when i just get caught up in all my responsabilities.  i get lost in all the promises i make that i know i'll never be able to keep. 

having a baby doesn't make you grow up quicker... or somehow magically become all-knowing and selfless person... it just makes you who you were before but with a baby that's depending on you... i still don't even know how to depend on myself.

and then the person you love tells you 'we're leaving here before december'... and you want to say no because this is all you've ever known but you can't because you have to remember all the things they've given up for you and you know that it's your turn to take the burden... you have to realize it's hard to stay as strong as they've been for this long... and somehow you have to come to terms with the fact that you have to learn to say goodbye sometime in your life... and yes, it will be hard but you're only leaving everything they left for you...  but you can't say it still won't hurt inside... you can't say that it won't hurt for a long time... you can't say you honestly want to say goodbye because saying goodbye is the hardest words for you to say and always has been.

my shoulders hurt from this strange balancing act, my heart hurts from the battles of trying to please everyone and finding out im losing... and my smile doesn't look the same as it used to from being over-used and fake... and im tired... im just so, so very tired of keeping everything all together.

 

laugh to hide the tears... just laugh to hide the tears.




08/02/07--19:27: I'd lose myself if everyone would just stop trying so hard to find me... (chan 2281276)

(you know it's true... i'm not much of an initiator of communications)

 

life goes on... im here, he's there... and yet he's here... and i'm somewhere over there.  if that even makes sence.

addison's growing... it hits me from time to time how she's grown and is actually developing properly... she's actually a normal baby... if you didn't think it was possible for me to spawn anything resembling normal, then you've got no idea how suprised i am too.  not only is she normal, she's pretty much totally awesome.

i've heard britney spears gives her kids soda in sippy cups and asked her dentist if she could get their teeth whitened... luckily the doc said no.

oh well, what else is new.

i can't sleep at night, that's new... at least new to you.  ever since we got back from texas i've become somewhat of an insomniac.  its gay.  i hate it.  i can totally nap during the day with addison, but when nighttime comes and its  time to sleep with the one i love, i can't.  he falls asleep within 30 seconds of his head hitting the pillow and i lay there staring at him wishing he could just stay awake a little longer to spend a little more time with me.  it's not his fault i guess, he gets up early everyday and works hard.  i get up at 8 or 9 and spend the day at home with a tiny-tot... no wonder i have trouble sleeping... nevertheless, when he sleeps i watch him and wonder if he still loves me like he used to... the i get doubtful cuz he's not awake to reassure me and if i lean in to kiss his cheek or forehead he bats me away, which only (in my head) further confrims that he's losing interest in me.

i love him... id do anything for him... i just don't always feel the same in return from him.  that's why i feel like he's slipping.  like, i know he loves me... but is he still IN love with me?   me on the other hand, i still get butterflies in my stomach when i see the car pulling in the drive-way after he's been at work all day... it makes me smile from ear to ear when i see that he's sent me a text message from work... if i don't hear from him at lunch time im sad til he gets home at 4pm... those kinds of feelings, those are the ones that im just not sure if they're still mutual... maybe it's this kind of wondering that keeps me up at night... maybe i feel more love in the bed during the day from addison than i do from him at night.... or maybe i don't really know whats wrong with me and im just reaching for answers.

whatev... this bit went from light to way too deep, way too fast.